Singer Gowry Lekshmi opened up about her struggles with mental health issues, instances of sexual exploitation in Mollywood and more.
Published Aug 22, 2024 | 9:00 AM ⚊ Updated Aug 27, 2024 | 11:36 AM
Gowri Lekshmi
In the colourful world of Kerala’s art scene, where every detail has its own story, the journey of Gowry Lekshmi stands out as a powerful example of the challenges faced behind the spotlight. In the echoes of her songs, a story unfolds not only of her artistic successes but also of her struggles.
As Kerala comes to terms with the Hema Committee report, shedding light on ‘compromises’ that a woman has to make to succeed in the film industry, Gowry Lekshmi’s voice rises above the chorus. Her tale is one of resilience against sexual assault, cyber-attacks, racism, and the haunting spectres of mental health battles.
Through her art, she has faced these never-ending battles head-on and transformed her pain into a powerful, poetic testament to survival and strength. In a conversation with South First, Gowry Lekshmi shares the intimate details of her struggles and successes.
Gowry Lekshmi
Q: While Kerala is discussing the Hema Committee report, with many coming forward to stand with survivors, you were among the first to speak out about the sexual abuse. You ended up facing cyber attacks as a result. What is your take on the society’s double standards?
A: For me, the Hema Commission report is unsurprising. The struggles and discrimination we’ve faced for many years have simply come out in public, that’s it. The report highlights the pervasive misogyny, sexual harassment, and lack of opportunities for women in the Malayalam film industry, issues that we have long known but were often ignored.
When we open up about these kinds of sexual assaults and bitter experiences through art, people often turn defensive. However, most of the public is now curious and wants to stand with the victims. The findings are 100 percent real.
Q: How did the brutal cyber attack you faced affect you as an artist?
A: I’ve experienced cyber attacks from the beginning of my career, though they were minor initially. However, after releasing my song “Murivu,” which speaks about the sexual abuses I’ve endured throughout my life, I faced a massive cyber attack that was shocking and overwhelming.
But it also changed my world in some ways. I realised that, as an artist, the public audits not only my songs but also my personal life. During that time, I felt like I was being audited as a person, too. This was a huge reality check for me.
Q: Can you share some of your personal experiences that inspired “MURIVU“?
A: ”MURIVU” is not scripted; it’s based on my personal experiences. When I was about eight or ten years old, I had a disturbing experience while traveling on a bus. I still remember the clothes I wore that day, a skirt with red, white, and blue colours, and a sleeveless top that was in yellow and red.
The bus was crowded, and my mother made me sit in a seat, saying it was busy. An older man, much older than my father, was sitting behind me. Though I don’t remember his face, I can still see him in my memory. I felt his hand lift my top and reach towards my stomach. I pushed his hand away and told my mother that I wanted to move forward. At that time, there was no one to tell about what happened, but I instinctively knew it was wrong.
When I was thirteen, I had a similar experience at a relative’s house. When I noticed changes in his behavior, I stopped going there. Back then, I didn’t know if I could talk about it or if anyone would even believe me.
Q. How common is it for playback singers to face pressure to make ‘compromises’ for opportunities?
A: People often think that abuse and sexual harassment only occur in the acting field, but that’s not the case. In the playback industry, these kinds of abuses exist on an even wider scale. This is why I’ve decided never to sing for a certain music director. Some music directors in our industry only offer opportunities if we’re willing to ‘compromise.’ I faced such an experience when I was 22.
Sadly, it’s a common situation, but no singers speak out about it. However, it’s important not to assume that everyone is like that. I’ve also worked with music directors who are very ethical, treat us with respect, and offer fair pay.
Q. Now that you are well-known as an independent artist, how is it different from playback singing? And what about the struggles?
A: I see playback singing as a task where I go and perform the assigned job. I arrive on time and give my best as a singer according to the music director’s commands. After all, the song is like the music director’s child.
In contrast, with independent music, I invest my entire energy from start to finish. Even after the release, and even years later, the art remains my own child. This is where the special consideration for my independent works lies.
The independent music space is extremely challenging. Financial struggles are more pronounced. When I have a hit in playback singing, the reach is higher because the film, music director, actors, and others contribute to its success.
However, in independent music, even if my song is a hit, its reach cannot be compared to that of a film song, at least for now. The independent space offers freedom; I can write the lyrics and do not need to wait for anyone’s approval. Meeting various independent musicians and listening to their works has exposed me to this space.
Q: You made your debut in the Malayalam industry as a lyricist and music director at the age of 14. You have had to face several issues since then. Has there been any difference in how you handle the similar issues now?
A: Major difference between handling struggles as a child versus as an adult is that I set my boundaries clearly now. I have a clear idea about whom I talk to regarding my struggles or pain. When I face a problem, my personal circle shrinks to just 3 or 4 people. My personal circle is that small. I share my emotional space only within my comfort zone.
However, when I face resistance, I am as stubborn now as I was then. If someone criticises me, I don’t make decisions about my career based solely on that. I open up about my issues and experiences publicly, but no one can see my vulnerability in a public space. This is a conscious decision on my part.
Q. In Mollywood, you are the first celebrity who openly discussed your mental health issues including being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and self-harming. It takes immense courage to share such personal struggles. What are your thoughts on this?
A: Maintaining mental health is as crucial as physical health, and therapy has been transformative for me. I discovered I had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) during the COVID pandemic, characterised by intense emotional pain, self-blame, isolation, and self-harm. While BPD is not a disease but a state of uncontrolled emotions, I used self-harm as an outlet for my mental distress, though not with suicidal intent.
BPD manifests differently in individuals; my symptoms were more internal, which made them invisible to those around me, including my husband Ganesh. Both Ganesh and I have sought therapy and regularly discuss our progress, which has significantly improved our lives. We openly talk about our mental health journey, and our joint efforts have been instrumental in our personal growth.
Despite widespread misconceptions about mental health, such as suggestions to practice yoga or watch movies, we focus on a comprehensive approach. Just as physical fitness requires regular exercise and a healthy diet, maintaining mental health demands similar dedication and care.
Gowry Lekshmi performing on stage.
Q: Shwetha Mohan revealed in an interview that she was not informed about the song she sang being released with another singer’s voice. Have you had any similar bitter experiences?
A: Singing a song requires hours of hard work. After we complete it and the music director approves the song, there are times when we lose that song. Some inform us about the change of singer, while others do not. I have experienced both in my career.
Recently, I had a bitter experience in the Tamil playback industry. I sang a song that has become one of the most popular ones in South India. I was the first to record it. After a few weeks, I received a call from the music director who informed me that they would not be using my voice for the song.
A quick decision had been made by the crew to not use a Malayalee singer for the song. I told him that if my pronunciation was the problem, I could rectify it and re-record the song. I had no issue with a fresh retake. However, the music director said that a Malayalee was not needed. This was purely a racist comment.
I can understand if the song did not suit my voice or if the music director did not like the final output with my voice, as I respect the music director’s vision for his song. But these kinds of racist remarks are unfortunate.
Q: Your stage performances often receive high energy and enthusiasm from the audience. However, the same audience may have negative opinions about you in the online space. Who do you trust more, the live audience or the online audience?
A: I feel like I’ve reached a point where I no longer trust my audience. They may change at any time—those who love me today might hate me tomorrow, and vice versa. The human mind is always shifting. If I weren’t a celebrity, I’d only face this from a few people, but as an artist whose work reaches a larger crowd, I encounter it from thousands. This inconsistency can be confusing sometimes.
What should I do? Since audience support is unpredictable and can be withdrawn at any moment, my focus now is solely on my art. I’ve decided not to rely on the audience’s support and to concentrate on creating my work.
Q: Which is your favorite independent song? Is there a song you listen to on a loop?
Every independent creation of mine has my soul and sweat. Among them, Poothappatt is one of my all-time favorites.
Mukile is another one, created during the time of COVID. The song is about rain, which is not everyone’s cup of tea and not on the so-called hit list. However, I do listen to it often.
(Edited by Neena)
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