InJest is a satirical column from South First. Names, places, situations referred to in the satirical piece are fictitious and is not intended to hurt any sentiments. The column is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of laughs.
Published Oct 22, 2024 | 8:45 AM ⚊ Updated Nov 07, 2024 | 3:14 PM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
Sipkhana club in the national capital saw an argument break out over drinks between the top of government and the jail/bail system.
It happened at the weekly get-together, as the room was filled with the sounds of clinking glasses, the smell of chicken tikka, and loud burps. That’s how serious it was. Present at the club during the discussion, Satire Satya eavesdropped intently.
“What’s wrong with you? You declared he was innocent and gave him bail in just three years,” roared the top of top boss.
“Wait. What? Who?” thought those with the long flowing black robes to themselves, in surprise.
“A few more months in jail and he would’ve died guilty in jail. Now people think we can’t even keep an innocent professor in jail,” said the boss of bosses as he gulped his second peg of single-malt tea.
“How dare he talk like how we talk to others?” murmured the lords to each other in silence.
The government was worried that the Opposition, Professors, comedians, actors, activists, farmers, labour, wrestlers, journalists — scratch that not journalists — dogs, cows, everyone will start questioning those in power if they think they can get bail.
“What good is a government if it can’t keep or kill an innocent in jail?” asked the top dog almost foaming at the mouth.
“My goodness can you imagine that? A country can’t work like that. And it will all be your fault”
The guys with lord of the robes were not impressed.
They finally hit back as the one with the blackest and longest of robes found liquid courage finishing his third peg of tea.
“What more can we do? We kept him in jail when there was very little doubt and even less proof that he might be guilty. We kept him longer once there was no proof and we knew he was innocent,” he thundered like a god.
“That’s all that the law allows us to do,” he pleaded with folded hands. “We had no option but to give him bail.”
This plea and the sixth tea led to a eureka moment.
“You’re right! You’re absolutely right!” Came the sudden and surprising answer from the other side.
“I am?” said the confused and high-on-tea one with long rob one. “I am. Yes, yes I am. Of course I am. I am.” “But about what?”
And so what began as ill-tempered affair turned into a joyous night of achievement and celebration.
A press release was sent to Satire Satya and other journalists to be printed in their respective publications word for word the following day. What he saw at the club and what he read in the press release were, well…, see for yourself.
The unofficial official gazette had the following official unofficial notification the next day.
It was agreed by all who matter that the principle of ‘Justice delayed is Justice denied’, is not working for anyone.
Neither for the one getting denied nor the one delaying it. It’s too long for one and not long enough for the other.
So we have decided that it should work at least for one party if not both. Preferably just for the one doing the delaying.
‘Justice delayed is Justice supplied’ is the new mantra that the jail/bail system has recommended based on the following greatest of great facts and will implement it with immediate effect.
That is in the case of serious cases of dissenters and protestors and not for your every day murderers.
The serious criminal doesn’t want bail but the system of justice is adamant that it should be given immediately.
Whereas dissenters should be kept in jail as they are more likely to be repeat offenders unlike those who commit murder.
Most murderers around the world on the other hand only commit murder once. Only a small percentage are repeat or serial killers.
Compare that with dissenters who are adamant that the government is not doing its job properly.
The percentage of these who keep on doing this again and again and again and again is incredibly high compared to those who do it only once.
And we all know how difficult it can be be to earn a living when it comes those convicted or accused of crimes like murders.
Not only are they not safe in prison but also aren’t treated well out in society. Even worse, if the evidence against them is clear cut leaving little doubt to their guilt.
We need to give them bail at the earliest so at least they can earn an income and selling their life right or their truth to Netflix and chill.
Whereas, dissenters don’t earn much in the world outside anyway so keeping them in jail is usually a help to them so that they can at least have a meal three times a day and some tea maybe even twice in one. A mere dream outside of jail.
On top of all this, excuses like terminal diseases or not having enough half-decent evidence against them becoming reason for dissenters and protestors getting bail is becoming very irritating too.
Given all these, it is very clear that jail and not bail for them should be the norm.
We who matter are sure that the new principle of justice delayed is justice supplied should make sense to everyone, drunk on tea or not.
Cheers!
(Written by Prabhpreet, an Unsanskari Writer, with a lifelong experience of laughing at things that make him cry.)
Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire and is fictitious.
