InJest is a satirical column from South First. Names, places, situations referred to in the satirical piece are fictitious and are not intended to hurt any sentiments. The column is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of laughs.
Published Jan 27, 2025 | 3:38 PM ⚊ Updated Jan 27, 2025 | 3:38 PM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
The digging went on for four nights.
It was first discovered on Wednesday morning. That was when people in many cities and towns across the five southern states woke up to find gaping holes on roads and in other public places.
It left people scratching their heads, wondering who had done the digging—and why. Parts of Karnataka, Andhra Pradesh, Telangana, Tamil Nadu, and Kerala resembled trench-filled war zones.
Shaken up by the Hitchcockian mystery, the state governments were quick to order investigations. But it was only during the pre-dawn hours of Saturday that the whodunit was finally resolved.
This is what happened:
The first call came from a morning-walker in Bengaluru’s Cubbon Park. The man was in utter shock when he reported to the police about pits several feet wide and deep in the park. A posse of sleep-dazed policemen who rushed there became wide-awake at once and gaped in astonishment.
They woke up the officers of BBMP, BESCOM and BWSSB—the city’s civic, electricity and water agencies—who routinely dig up Bengaluru with more enthusiasm than Indiana Jones unearthing the Ark of the Covenant, and then leave the pits uncovered as testimonies to their workmanship.
The officers kicked up a row. They denied any connection with the holes, insisting that they undertake excavations in Bengaluru only in broad daylight at peak traffic time. The police closed the case.
Soon, hundreds of craters were reported from several parts of the five states, leaving the cops breathless and clue-less.
But Naya Dunia Television boasted: “NDTV has cracked the mystery, man!” an anchor said, screaming like a cricket fan watching the batsman hitting four.
“But it’s so stupid, yaar!” he yelled. “Somebody started a rumour that the deceased forest brigand Veerappan had buried all his money somewhere in the south. Oh boy! People are going after it, without caring where they take their shovels and spades.”
After treasure-hunting was reported for a second night, Tamil channel Phata-phat News debunked the NDTV report as “fake news”.
“OMG!” screamed the teenaged reporter. “You know what? It’s crazy, folks. Guys who are digging up are looking for shiv lings of 1000 BC or 2000 BC . . . we are not sure, but whichever is older . . . I think 1000 BC is older or maybe 2000 BC comes earlier . . . it’s so confusing but they are digging wherever they fancy they can grab shiv lings. Pious devotees? Ha ha. All they want are fast bucks from antique peddlers.”
She blamed the “song and dance” over buried shiv lings by North India’s Sangh Parivar for the digging frenzy in South India.
“My Lord and My God,” said the bearded young newscaster of Malayalam channel Sathyam Maathram in a whispering tone. “We believe the diggers were actually looking for a piece of the hem which dropped off from the tunic that Saint Thomas wore when he descended on the Malabar coast in AD 52.”
He shut his eyes for two minutes and resumed: “It started after a passing remark by Major Archbishop Francisco Varkey Raphael Vithayathil in North Paravur that the fragment of the holy fabric, which wicked heathens stole and absconded, perhaps lies buried in one of the five states.”
At 5.14 am, a young police officer in Chennai at last stumbled on evidence that unlocked the mystery.
He refused to disclose details saying he had submitted the top-secret report to Chief Minister MK Stalin. But Stalin too refused to talk.
But Deep Throat—as I call my source—laid his hands on a copy of it.
Revealed Deep Throat: “The police officer, scouring through debris at a deep pit on Anna Salai, spotted several newspaper cuttings. All these had the same story. It was about Stalin’s offer of $-1-million prize to anyone deciphering the Indus Valley script. Stalin has already proved that Iron Age began in Tamil Nadu 5,300 years ago, but the prize for Indus script decoding still stands. Anyway, two fleeing men whom the officer caught confessed they were after clues to the Indus script. Stalin considered the pros and cons of making public the police report and calculated that cons outnumbered pros.”
The excavations finally ceased after the police in the five states clamped night curfew, threatening to “shoot at sight” any diggers.
(Srinivasa Prasad, a journalist since 1981, has been a Chief of Bureau (South) and Senior Editor with national dailies. He has been reporting and commenting on politics, governance, social, civic and economic issues and has written over 300 satirical articles. He lives in Bengaluru.)
