InJest is a satirical column from South First. Names, places, situations referred to in the satirical piece are fictitious and are not intended to hurt any sentiments. The column is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of laughs.
Published Dec 23, 2024 | 11:33 AM ⚊ Updated Dec 23, 2024 | 11:33 AM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
The Honourable Speaker of the Lok Sabha looked as if the chandelier on the ceiling had crashed on his head. He sat in his office in Sansad Bhavan, sweat on his face and eyes shut.
On the other side of the table (large enough to park a car with some space left for a two-wheeler) was the Secretary General of the Lok Sabha. He looked confused like a man watching Pushpa-2 mixed up with subtitles of Kalki 2898 AD.
Deep Throat — as I call my source — crouched outside a window and watched.
The Speaker groaned and opened one eye. “Strangely, this crisis has connotations of both politics and aesthetics,” he said. “Has the Indian Parliament ever faced a Constitutional catastrophe of such gargantuan proportions, officer?”
“No, sir,” replied the Secretary General, squirming in his chair. “A perusal of records going back to the time of the illustrious Ganesh Vasudev Mavalankar, the first Lok Sabha Speaker in 1952, shows that no Presiding Officer has ever been confronted with a predicament as mindboggling as this one, sir.”
“Hmm,” said the Speaker, opening the other eye. “How can the lady member of the House make such a preposterous demand?” He scowled at the neatly typed letter on the table. “Let me take a look at it again.”
With a shaking hand, he picked it up and read it aloud. “This is to bring to the urgent attention of the venerable Speaker that besides myself, my brother, my daughter, my granddaughter, a maternal niece and a paternal cousin have been elected to the Lok Sabha.”
What horrified the Speaker…
The Speaker looked up. “I knew that. But her demand in the next paragraph is what is sending blood rushing through my coronary and carotid arteries.”
The officer, who too had read it, nodded sympathetically.
As the Speaker’s eyes fell on the next paragraph, the telephone on his desk gave a shrill ring.
He picked up the phone at once. “Yes… What?… Okay, you, your wife, her uncle, and your cousin have been elected to Lok Sabha? What? Your old wheelchair-bound father-in-law too?… Don’t I know all that?… Now what?… Seen it on Twitter? Yeah, never mind if Musk made it X… Okay. But before acceding to your demand, I need to examine the Constitutional provisions with a fine tooth comb. Good day.”
He slammed the receiver down and frowned. “It appears the lady member has put her demand on twi… X. Now I have the same silly demand from another party’s MP who too has a sizeable family in Lok Sa—” The phone rang again.
He spoke for a few minutes and hung up. “The lady’s post has gone more viral than Covid-19. The same blasted demand is coming from yet another family of yet another party with eight MPs.”
There were two more calls. “That’s five families with the same . . . ah, the damned phone!”
Snatching up the receiver, he burst out at once: “Okay, how many kith and kin do you have in Parliament, sir?… What? You are the Bihar Assembly Speaker? Sorry… Okay, a woman, her husband, two daughters and two sons-in-law are elected to Bihar Assembly, right?… What do they want?… Oh Lord Jagannath! The same thing!… Thank you for seeking my advice… Follow the Lok Sabha example. See what I would do. Have a nice day, Mr Mishra.”
The chorus from states…
During the next hour, there were calls from nine more Assembly Speakers.
The Lok Sabha Speaker looked as if he had an awful headache. Opening a drawer, he picked up a fistful of pills, tossed them into his mouth and washed them down with water.
Then his tired eyes looked slowly around the room and out of the window. “This lovely new Sansad Bhavan was inaugurated only last year, was it not?”
“Yes, sir.”
“It’s a magnificent edifice, is it not?”
“Yes, sir”
“But the Parliament building needs wholesale structural changes if I meet the requirements of the five families, and that will wreak unspeakable havoc on its aesthetic elegance.”
“Yes, sir, it will, if we — as demanded by them — provide them with fully furnished family homes inside Sansad Bhavan with doors opening right into the hall of the Lok Sabha. But they seem to have taken the view that it will significantly help them discharge their parliamentary responsibilities more efficiently.” He uttered that last word with a grimace.
“And many pretty state Legislature buildings too must undergo dreadful alterations?”
“Yes, sir.”
Deep Throat fell silent.
“So what did the Speaker decide?” I asked.
“He set up a committee of eminent parliamentarians, legal experts and architects, asking them to submit a report on the matter by 15 August, 2047.”
(Srinivasa Prasad, a journalist since 1981, has been a Chief of Bureau (South) and SeniorEditor with national dailies. He has been reporting and commenting on politics, governance, social, civic and economic issues and has written over 300 satirical articles. He lives in Bengaluru.)
Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire and is fictitious.
