InJest is a satirical column from South First. Names, places, situations referred to in the satirical piece are fictitious and is not intended to hurt any sentiments. The column is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of laughs.
Published Nov 29, 2024 | 11:29 AM ⚊ Updated Nov 29, 2024 | 11:29 AM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
23 November, 2024
Prime Minister’s Home Office
7, Lok Kalyan Marg, New Delhi
2.30 pm
The Maharashtra Assembly election results were coming in.
The prime minister watched the TV in astonishment. “How did Mahayuti win only 235 seats?” he asked.
Amit Shah stared at Modi in confusion. “You expected more, sir?”
My source— I call him Deep Throat — crouched outside a window and watched them.
“I expected to win all 288 seats. How did we lose the rest? Do you know?”
Shah shook his head and turned to JP Nadda who too shook his head.
Modi leaned back in his chair, hands clasped behind his head. “I want an immediate inquiry to find out why. And I have a surprise that I will reveal at the right time.” Modi smiled.
Shah and Nadda copy-pasted the smile on Modi’s face on their own.
Congress Headquarters
24, Akbar Lane, New Delhi
3.30 pm
Rahul Gandhi gaped at the TV in utter shock. “How did our Maha . . .” He paused as he tried to remember the name. “. . .Maha Vipaksh Gadi win 49 seats?” Deep Throat was there too, peeping in through a gap in the slightly open door.
Party President Mallikarjun Kharge was aghast. “You expected fewer, sir? And it’s Maha Vikas Aghadi, sir.” Ramesh Chennithala, party general secretary in charge of Maharashtra, stifled a laugh.
“I expected 28 seats,” said Rahul. “All 28 for Congress and none for others in MVA. And that would have given Congress the Opposition Leader’s post.” Rahul frowned.
Kharge and Chennithala did a Control-C-Control-V of Rahul’s frown on their faces.
“Didn’t Congress have enough pork-barrel freebies to get 28 seats?” Rahul asked. “I want an inquiry.”
28 November, 2024
While BJP’s probe is yet to begin, the one by the Congress concluded last night.
Announcing its finding at 7.30 am today, Chennithala observed: “The freebies that Mahayuti shamelessly bribed the voters with were the sole cause of its so-called victory. We’ll give a fitting reply well in time to prepare for the 2029 elections.”
The “well in time” turned out to be less than an hour, and thus began the Great Freebie War of India.
8.20 am
The first pork barrel shot was fired by Karnataka Chief Minister Siddaramaiah. He announced a scheme called Man-Without-Woman-Is-Zero to hand out ₹10,000 a month to every woman.
8.42 am
Loud and immediate was the reaction from BJP in Karnataka. The party threatened to move the Supreme Court against Siddaramaiah for plagiarising from Mahayuti’s Ladki Bahin. The party vowed that, if returned to power in the state, it would dole out to every woman ₹20,000 and a Nalli silk sari every month.
8.46 am
Siddaramaiah hit back. He hiked up his freebie to ₹30,000, accompanied by Gucci shoes, a Tanishq 18-karat nose ring and Revlon lipstick, every month.
9.12 am
“Okay guys, it’s denim jackets and sunglasses for all loan-paying farmers,” said YSRCP chief Jagan Mohan Reddy, “if I win back Andhra Pradesh in 2029.” He made it clear those wouldn’t be made by an Adani company or any company that has an office on the same road as an Adani company.
9.35 am
A 42-inch TV set for each family was the pork barrel from Telangana’s Congress Chief Minister Revanth Reddy.
9.35 am
“TVs dirty your souls,” retorted Tamil Nadu’s DMK Chief Minister MK Stalin and promised a washing machine to every household. “These will at least keep our clothes clean. Ha Ha.”
10.50 am
Chandrababu Naidu went digital. To raise literacy levels in Andhra Pradesh, the Chief Minister said he would distribute free iPads to people who can’t write their own names.
11.45 am
Aam Aadmi Party leader Arvind Kejriwal lost no time in joining the bidding war. He will distribute “crystal chandeliers to all people in Delhi below the poverty line, who accounted for 95 percent of the national capital’s population, the rest being Congress and BJP leaders.”
12.18 pm
Every family in Kerala will get one kg each of rice and fish every day along with oil, chillies, ginger and garlic to make fish curry. This came from CPI(M) Chief Minister Pinarayi Vijayan.
1.10 pm
“Are you mad?’ Mamata Banerjee howled from Kolkata. “How do you expect people to cook, Mr Vijayan?” taunted the West Bengal Chief Minister. She will supply rice, fish and curry ingredients daily along with a free gas cylinder every day and a gas stove every six months.
1.25 pm
“Why cook?” asked Uddhav Thackeray, the leader of a piece of Shiva Sena. He guaranteed Balasaheb Food Packets — “cooked and all ready to eat” — to every family twice a day if the party won the 2029 poll.
1.55 pm
“I’ll make it thrice a day,” countered Nitish Kumar of Bihar. “Plus free movie tickets on Saturdays.”
2.40 pm
AIADMK honcho Edappadi Palaniswami said if his party came back to power in Tamil Nadu there would be free bus rides to women of all ages and men above 70 years (to avoid eve-teasing in buses).
3.20 pm
The freebies went out of gear. Siddaramaiah announced ₹50 lakh to anybody crossing a road in Bengaluru five times in a row without being knocked down.
3.40 pm
Mamata announced ₹1 crore to anyone who stopped watching Republic TV and Times Now.
Finally, a head-spinner from Modi
4.10 pm
Addressing the nation on live TV, Modi said that any freebie/revdi/guarantee/pork-barrel scheme that any party intended to introduce must henceforth get the prior approval from the Central Freebie Board to be constituted by tonight.
“Freebies not authorised by the board would attract 499 percent GST from recipients. I also promise to win all 70 seats in the Delhi Assembly next year,” he added.
(Srinivasa Prasad, a journalist since 1981, has been a Chief of Bureau (South) and Senior Editor with national dailies. He has been reporting and commenting on politics, governance, social, civic and economic issues in the southern states and has written over 300 satirical pieces. He lives in Bengaluru.)
Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire and is fictitious.
