Published Jul 24, 2026 | 12:01 PM ⚊ Updated Jul 24, 2026 | 12:01 PM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
With protestors at Jantar Mantar targeting only the Tea Minister, the House Minister, and the Paper Leak Minister in their slogans and posters, the latter is coming across as the de facto number three in the government.
His suddenly elevated status has left some of his Cabinet colleagues fuming with FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), as the green monster of jealousy left a bad taste in their shut and sealed mouths.
The Paper Leaks Minister is unaware of the protest as well as his colleagues’ feelings since his doctor told him he had gone viral and prescribed him complete rest and social media detox for a week.
Speaking to Satire Satya only on the condition of anonymity, all the ministers revealed everything.
The Money Minister is specially jealous since she was the darling of all jibes by the opposition and social media not long ago. Nobody is talking anymore about how the economy is struggling, dollar is still rising and how hard she was not working to ensure the rupee doesn’t hit a century.
“They have forgotten all about the Gujarati businessmen as well or how the economy is projected as growing when it really isn’t,” she complained
Ethanol Minister is especially furious. With ethanol-mixed petrol protests losing steam he is thinking of bringing in E40 petrol since E20 isn’t giving him enough mileage.
“It’s like all of a sudden no cars have gone to the mechanic complaining about mixed fuel, nobody is making videos of it and making it go viral,” he complained about being knocked out of headlines.
While Pure Petrol minister is happy Epstein is being allowed to rest in peace, he is suffering from FOMO.
“He is dead but they shouldn’t forget that I met him when he was alive,” he reminded those not listening. “It’s like everyone is asking for more aloo palya but have forgotten all about the puri.”
Offence Minister, usually calm and composed, said, “though we are under attack from within, I should still be held accountable for it. I’m ready to bring in the army if that gets the job done and gets me attention.”
Infernal Affairs Minister, usually a darling of the media, is unhappy nobody is complaining that the country’s neighbourhood friends are refusing to play with him anymore.
“I worked very hard for this and failed at all my attempts, but it feels like none of it matters anymore,” he told Satya while shaving his beard. “Nobody has noted that I don’t wear it anymore,” he mumbled.
The Top Minister of the biggest state is unhappy that none of the protestors seem to be targeting him given his stature that he thinks he has in the party.
“With state elections around the corner, out of sight is out of mind is not good for me,” he said. He feels it is the strategy of his frenemies in the party to keep him away at a raised right arms length.
When the Paper Leak Minister was told of all this by Satya after a week of detoxing, confusion was his pradhan reaction. He said he was just doing the job as described in the title.
Not impressed by the excuse, his Cabinet colleagues have given him an ultimatum. They want either protestors to shout slogans against them as well or the Paper Leak Minister should resign. Failing which they will themselves join the protestors at Jantar Mantar, even restart it, if need.
Like his doctor, their doctors have prescribed this move to treat the tummy ache and heartburn caused by FOMO and jealousy.
Just as he was reporting on the FOMO of Cabinet, Satire Satya made a shocking discovery.
He found that Jantar Mantar too is shrouded with jealousy in the air, alongside tear gas and conspiracy theories.
A long line of those present at Jantar Mantar complained about jealousy.
YouTubers are jealous that they are getting lathis while TV news reporters are only getting heckled for doing their jobs.
AAP is jealous that Congress is getting more limelight and mileage from the protests.
The Tea Minister and House Minister are jealous of how easy the opposition had it and how much fun it is being in the opposition. They miss it after being in government for so long.
A few other colleagues are very jealous of paper leaks. They lost their jobs for not doing theirs but Paper leak is holding on after not doing the only one he had.
Some policepersons just holding lathis are jealous of the ones having electric shock batons, lathis with nails and a few other fun toys.
Protestors were jealous of cops who covered their faces, slapped kids, grab women and hit them where they wanted and got away with it.
An expert street fighter, former Bengali Chief Minister is jealous for missing out on this protest since she missed her flight and her party.
Opposition chief ministers are jealous that they got tricked and caught in their party’s protest while some other of their colleagues who weren’t there didn’t have to sit on roads. What they thought was a birthday party became a game of kabaddi.
The protestors are just jealous of others who knew about the leaks in advance and could afford to buy the question papers too.
Efforts are now being made relentlessly to put an end to this jealousy and FOMO.
