InJest is a satirical column from South First. Names, places, situations referred to in the satirical piece are fictitious and are not intended to hurt any sentiments. The column is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of laughs.
Published Dec 31, 2024 | 2:41 PM ⚊ Updated Dec 31, 2024 | 2:41 PM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
For some weeks now, India’s politicians have been running around in circles like monkeys with tails on fire. The agonising suspense over the CIA’s “best and worst politicians of the year awards” has turned them somewhat bumble-headed.
The CIA — as the Citizens’ Initiative and Action is famously known — comprises members ranging from television noise casters to tea sellers. And at last, the august body made its selections at a closed-door meeting in Delhi on Saturday, 28 December.
The awards were to be made public at the stroke of midnight on 31 December, but Deep Throat — as I call my source — scooped the list by watching the proceedings through a keyhole.
And the awards go to . . .
The best chef: Narendra Modi, who dished out a scrumptious kichdi of parties in Maharashtra and served it with liberal helpings of a mouth-watering side dish called ladki bahin to win an Assembly election landslide. Prize: Copy of How To Keep Changing Ingredients of Political Kichdis by Jayalalithaa.
The worst chef: Rahul Gandhi, for rustling up a smelly kichdi in Maharashtra and then forgetting what its ingredients were. Prize: Packet of ready-to-cook Gujarati Kadi Kichdi mix.
The best environmentalist: Kerala Chief Minister Pinarayi Vijayan, who keeps his state squeaky clean by dumping truckloads of medical waste in Tamil Nadu, though he clears it all up when Climate Cops wield lathis. Prize: Copy of ‘Wealth Of A Nation = Poverty Of Neighbouring Countries’, forthcoming book by Chinese President Xi Jinping.
The worst environmentalist: Tamil Nadu Chief Minister MK Stalin, who not only fails to stop Vijayan from offloading the trash on his territory but also grins and shakes hands with him at the Periyar Library in Kerala. Prize: One kg of chopped onions to loosen up his tear ducts.
The best Industry-friendly: Telangana Chief Minister Revanth Reddy, who boasts that Telugu bidda and Microsoft boss Satya Nadella is pouring all his company’s money into his state, though Nadella is touring across the world to explore investment opportunities. Prize: Copy of forthcoming book by Nadella — How I Love My Hyderabad (And Also Bengaluru, Chennai And Pune And China).
The worst industry-friendly: Tamil Nadu BJP leader K Annamalai, who not only whipped himself six times as penance protest after the sexual assault of a student but also vowed not to wear footwear till DMK is thrown out of power, which may spark a trend that may cause huge losses to the footwear industry. Prize: Photographs (only black-and-white available, sorry) of Mahatma Gandhi wearing chappals on his Dandi march in 1930.
The best talker: Amit Shah, for saying: “It has become a fashion to say Ambedkar, Ambedkar, Ambedkar, Ambedkar, Ambedkar, Ambedkar.” When Not To Use Epizeuxis In Politics by full-time linguist and part-time Congress leader Shashi Tharoor.
The worst talker: Mallikarjun Kharge, for NOT saying: “It has become a fashion to say Modi, Modi, Modi, Modi, Modi, Modi.” Prize: Mean Metaphors by Donald Trump.
The best style icon: Priyanka Gandhi, for flaunting a handbag that has raised more eyebrows — and hackles — than any handbag ever has, since it was invented in 1854 (apparently because women’s clothing lacked pockets at the time). Prize: A blue handbag made by Wayanad’s Kattunayakan tribals with fifty pockets (one for keeping her favourite book: the Indian Constitution).
The worst style icon: Arvind Kejriwal, for donning winter outfits that people living in the scorching Huoyan Mountains in Xinjiang in China might wear while visiting Switzerland in December. Prize: Copy of Dress Smart, Talk Smart, co-authored by Narendra Modi and Shashi Tharoor (currently out of stock, not Modi and Tharoor but the book).
The best law-enforcer: MK Stalin, for using colour-coded wristbands to control hospital visitors and ensure the safety of medical staff. Prize: A radio collar from Karnataka’s forest department.
The worst law-enforcer: Andhra Pradesh Deputy Chief Minister and actor Pawan Kalyan, for scaring the hell out of state’s Home Minister V Anita, by appearing in her dreams in the cop uniform he wore in the film Ustaad Bhagat Singh, and also for “raiding” a foreign ship to seize rice. Prize: Life Is One Long Tragi-Comic Movie With No Intermissions, the unfinished manuscript by Allu Arjun (unfinished because of lack of intermissions for him to finish it).
(Srinivasa Prasad, a journalist since 1981, has been a Chief of Bureau (South) and SeniorEditor with national dailies. He has been reporting and commenting on politics, governance, social, civic and economic issues and has written over 300 satirical articles. He lives in Bengaluru.)
Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire and is fictitious.
