InJest is a satirical column from South First. Names, places, situations referred to in the satirical piece are fictitious and is not intended to hurt any sentiments. The column is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of laughs.
Published Sep 30, 2024 | 1:31 PM ⚊ Updated Oct 08, 2024 | 4:01 PM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
The far-reaching repercussions of adulteration in milk and allied products have put the Ministry of Milk Welfare in a dilemma. Drowned in the clamour of angry citizens — vegetarians, vegans, and meat-eaters alike — the ministry is contemplating declaring cattle, henceforth as ‘Plant’ to prevent hurting sentiments.
The move is expected to end the debate about plant fat or animal fat in dairy products once and for all. Once cattle are declared a plant, whether it is adulterated with palm oil or vanaspati, it will be a compounded plant fat.
Likewise, since cattle will be seen as plant and all its derivatives — milk, curd, ghee, tallow, lard, cheese, butter, meat – will henceforth be deemed plant-based and not animal derivative. The move is expected to bring relief to citizens who want to ensure the ‘pure veg’ nature of all milk-based products without fear of beastly adulterations.
The decision is inspired by name-changing initiatives undertaken by other departments that have proven to be the most effective solution to all issues. Changing the names of roads, railway stations, bus stops, towns, cities, and states — not to forget criminal laws — has resolved all real issues overnight, helping the government start from scratch. The ministry hopes the same formula will work for concerns over adulteration of milk too.
The ministry is confident that its decision will also put an end to lynching in the country over beef/beef transportation and consumption. While a section of militant meat-eaters are expected to give up eating beef/carabeef forever since it is no longer meat but a plant product, others who continue to consume will be considered ‘vegetarians’.
The decision of the minister of milk welfare is also expected to bring cheer among vegans who, now that dairy is a plant derivative, can finally enjoy their paalpayasam without guilt.
Researchers will also heave a sigh of relief since the re-categorisation of cattle from Animal to Plant will put an end to the academic question of whether the description of milk should be reverted to animal-derivative instead of ‘pure vegetarian’.
Sources in the ministry told Satire Satya that the immediate change they expect to see is a drop in the huge demand for milk in a state that houses a famous temple where everyone is buying milk not to drink but to purify their homes. The extra demand has led to a milk crisis in the state. The ministry wants to put an end to it with this unique idea before things go out of hand.
Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire and is fictitious.
