InJest is a satirical column from South First. Names, places, situations referred to in the satirical piece are fictitious and is not intended to hurt any sentiments. The column is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of laughs.
Published Oct 14, 2024 | 11:08 AM ⚊ Updated Nov 07, 2024 | 3:15 PM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
DISCLAIMER: The following is verbatim reproduction of the press conference conducted by the dishon’ble Mister of Railway Accidents of not this nation.
Satire Satya was at the press conference where the Mister was kind enough to not answer any of the questions that weren’t asked.
No changes have been made to what was said by him, except the ones that we were forced to make by the Mystery of Railway Accidents to cover the Mister’s boo-boos.
***Mister of Railways Accidents holds first-ever press conference***
I welcome all of you to the great honour of coming to the first press conference I have ever called. Let me not apologise at the very beginning for taking well over 20 years to do so.
To be perfectly honest I would’ve called for it earlier but all the accidents under my reign had deaths involved. Talk about my bad luck!
Anyway, so I’ve had to wait till one where no lives were lost and only mental trauma and losses worth crores took place. Thank god it finally happened today. And I mean our god, not someone else’s, for this opportunity.
So let’s begin from the beginning and do what I do best. My bread and butter, I suppose…
The Opposition is to be blamed for everything!! I blame the Opposition for not being in power so that we can hold them responsible for it. They should come out and issue an apology for their forefathers being in power 100 or so years ago and not preventing accidents happening today.
Also, all the accusations they are making are absolutely baseless. Specially, the ones that are true.
For example, their claim, that record number of accidents occurred under me, is absolutely false even though accurate. Where are they getting this data from?
I know for a fact that ever since I came to power, the Mystery has stopped collecting real data. The data was putting everyone in depression and, more importantly, making me look bad.
The Opposition should also realise how stupid they look when they make such false claims or try to hold me accountable for accidents after just 20 years in power.
I want to assure all the easily trusting people of our great but imaginary nation that I am the best Mister for the job, although, I was never part of politics or government or fought an election, let alone win one.
What higher credit tails can one offer than the fact that barely anybody knew me when I was chosen to run this Mystery with half-a-dozen others and have barely anytime for any.
Although, I do accept that here was a little problem for about the first decade of my job. Given the name of my Mystery, I thought that the higher the number of accidents, the better.
I have since been told that’s not true. So, there’s no more confusion and now I will be actively thinking of ways to reduce them.
There are other things I have learned too. Like, ensuring that no matter what happens, that our dependent and dark investigation will make sure that everyone and anyone but me and my Mystery can be blamed.
Be it the tracks, signals, animals, humans, contractors, employees terrorists, unicorns, Ravan or someone else’s god.
Now that all this is sorted, I would like to talk about the unlearnt lessons and all the promises of change that I’m going to make and not keep. Unlike my predecessors, I will not make any promises that I can’t keep. So I won’t make any. Except that nothing will change. Nothing has to because nothing is wrong.
What changes will be brought about now? Let me stop you right there before you let your imagination run wild. The answer is nothing.
Just a second… It seems I misspoke.
We will try to avoid future accidents in urban areas or nearby roads which cause any part or coaches or, worse still, the engine to end up on the roads.
The Mystery of Road and Highway Tolls has sent us a notice that they will be charging us penalties and toll for using their infrastructure without prior permission.
Deaths might be costly but tolls can be deadly, specially if that mister is your senior. Like the Road and Highway mister is.
That’s enough about real loss and sadness.
On a happier note, I would like to thank all those who lost lives and, their loved ones who ask uncomfortable questions, for letting their voices get drowned out by the propaganda of honesty that the media and our supporters run.
And finally, I would like to thank no one for none of the support I have gotten except for you know who.
Let me assure everyone that I shall never resign no matter who calls for it, especially when they maybe right in asking for it.
Thank you my friends of the fake… I mean fourth pillar of our democracy for intently listening to me and asking me no questions, as discussed.
I hope to see you soon in about another decade and answer none of the questions that you won’t ask.
Mister out.
(Written by Prabhpreet, an Unsanskari Writer, with a lifelong experience of laughing at things that make him cry.)
Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire and is fictitious.
