InJest is a satirical column from South First. Names, places, situations referred to in the satirical piece are fictitious and are not intended to hurt any sentiments. The column is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of laughs.
Published Jan 20, 2025 | 2:52 PM ⚊ Updated Jan 20, 2025 | 2:52 PM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
Donald Trump once again takes over as the President of the United States on Monday (20 January) to save his country from asteroids, alien monsters, Democrats, flash floods, forest fires, holocausts and H-1B visas.
“Trump, in fact, nicked the H-1B problem two days before kicking off his second term,” Deep Throat — as I call my source — revealed. “The solution came from Elon Musk at a meeting at his Palm Beach home. I bugged the room. Watch this tape.”
I pressed Play.
“What’s all this?” Trump yelled as he dropped into his chair. He glared at the heap of files on the table.
Musk twisted sideways to see Trump, hidden behind the files. And when Musk spoke, he sounded as if he had a fish bone stuck in his throat. “They are visa applications from India, Don. Most of them are from Telugus.”
“Kidding, ain’t you?” Trump snapped. “I still have two days before I get back to the White House, and it ain’t a President’s job to take visa forms from India or Guatemala.”
“They sent them to you because they think . . .” Musk stopped and hid behind the files before he continued. “. . . in the heart of hearts, you have taken a shine to Indians.”
There were silent chuckles around the table.
Besides Musk, there were Vice-President-to-be JD Vance, would-be Second Lady Usha and Trump’s top Indian-origin appointees: Vivek Ramaswamy, Kash Patel, Sriram Krishnan, Tulsi Gabbard, Harmeet Dhillon and Jay Bhattacharya.
Trump scratched his nose. “I thought we were cutting back on H-1B visas.”
“It’s no longer H-1Bs that the Indians are eyeing,” Musk said. For one-tenth of a second, a smug smile appeared on his stony face. “They’re now demanding Einstein visas.”
Trump’s face turned apple-red, and he clenched a fist.
I tapped the Pause key. “What’s an Einstein visa?”
“Ah, it’s the nickname for the American EB-1 visa,” said Deep Throat. “It’s given to those who are blessed with ‘extraordinary abilities’ or are outstanding researchers.”
“Why’s it called Einstein visa?”
“When Einstein visited the US in 1933, he didn’t want to go back to Germany, fearing Nazis. The Americans gave him EB-1 and made him stay on to benefit from his research. That’s how it got that name. Go on. Watch the video.”
Trump’s fist crashed on the table. “How can so many Indians,” he shouted, “claim to have ‘extraordinary abilities’? And do they have any goddamn evidence for it?”
Usha and Tulsi covered their mouths to stop themselves from laughing. Sairam laughed but turned it into a cough.
Trump snatched up the top file. “This guy from Vijayawada claims he can make Americans stop staring at their wives at home and start working 120 hours a week in the office. I love it. But where’s the proof that he can.”
He picked up another. “This fellow from Nizamabad boasts he can stop American students from thrashing each other and start reading textbooks. Excellent.” He rolled his eyes. “No proof.”
He took a third. “This one is from Srikakulam. She says she knows an ancient Indian trick that makes men like Xi Jinping and Boris Yeltsin shut up and wag their tails. Hell! No evidence.” Trump threw up his hands. “Even if they get Einstein visas, what jobs have they got in the US?”
There was a long silence. It was broken by Harmeet. “Don, they are citing the example of Melania Trump—”
“Jesus, Mary and Joseph!” screamed Trump, jumping to his feet. “Melania got an Einstein visa and became my wife, the second most important job in the world! And these schmucks have nothing to show for their abilities, damn it!”
“No, Don,” said Musk. “It won’t look fair to ask them for proof. If you do, the media will chew up Melania all over again. You know why.”
“I know,” Trump said, sitting down. He shrugged. “Yeah, give them. Let the new guy in the White House fix the EB-1 problem in 2029.”
End of video.
I raised my eyes at Deep Throat, who explained: “Trump can’t forget how Melania got her ‘Einstein visa’ in 2000 when she was just a Slovenian model — without any proof whatsoever for her so-called extraordinary abilities. If Trump denies Indians the same visas, there will be once again an awful hullaballoo about how she got it.”
(Srinivasa Prasad, a journalist since 1981, has been a Chief of Bureau (South) and Senior Editor with national dailies. He has been reporting and commenting on politics, governance, social, civic and economic issues and has written over 300 satirical articles. He lives in Bengaluru.)
Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire and is fictitious.
