InJest is a satirical column from South First. Names, places, situations referred to in the satirical piece are fictitious and is not intended to hurt any sentiments. The column is meant to be taken with a pinch of salt and a whole lot of laughs.
Published Nov 06, 2024 | 9:21 AM ⚊ Updated Nov 07, 2024 | 3:14 PM
InJest in a satirical column by South First. Names, places, situations are all fictitious. Caricature by Satish Acharya/South First.
The 100-member panel under the chairmanship of AK Anciently was set up by the Main Opposition Party (MOP) to find reasons for the unsurprising but unexpected losses in the recent state elections it was deemed “favourite” in.
Its report was submitted a month after the latest defeat in October and was written a year and a dozen defeats ago. It was leaked a day earlier.
Highly placed sources in the party told Satire Satya that the leak of the report came as a big surprise to everyone.
“The panel report was top secret and meant only for high command’s eyes. So, we only sent it to the journalists we like,” said the head of the panel on the condition of anonymity.
“That’s why we even scheduled the press conference after the leaks and not before,” he added.
“While his findings and suggestions will be rejected or might just be ignored, his credentials for the job are beyond question,” said the chairman’s son not wanting to be named.
“At 100, having fought his last election just thirty years ago, his ability to understand 21st-century electoral politics is unlike anyone else,” he went on and on.
He refused to stop, “Having fought ten elections out of which he won only half, make him an expert in both winning and losing.”
“On top of that having won elections no one thought he could win and losing some no one thought, give him a unique perspective.”
“Having served under the leadership of four generations of the family and not ever having spoken against any of them makes him the best man to speak truth to power,” he finally stopped.
The other members are best known as party men to the party, their families and even themselves.
With a mandate to find — and, if necessary, create — reasons for the defeats, it was given full freedom to assign blame to anyone and everyone.
“First things first, the panel found the top leadership that takes all decisions had no fault and only helped in every way,” claimed a member of the panel who had no idea what was in the report.
He added, “It filled the panel with great pride that they agreed.”
The panel whose findings were never to be made public also blamed a lack of transparency and constant leaks in the party and campaign as possible reasons.
All hundred members of the panel agreed that too many people had a say in the elections which led to confusion, miscommunication and lack of unity. But the panel isn’t sure.
The local leaders considered strong men in the states were given a free hand but did not do what they were ordered to do.
As the party was tagged “favourites,” even by pollsters not paid by the party, the national leadership had told these leaders to say “touchwood” to ward off the “evil eye”.
This was to be done in all interviews, before voting and counting, after voting and counting and definitely before waking up and after sleeping.
Given the results, it is clear they didn’t!
Instead of saying touchwood, they were seen infighting over candidate selection to pick the worst possible one, ignoring good and even bad advice, and being arrogant and overconfident.
All hundred members of the panel agreed that too many people had a say in the elections which led to confusion, miscommunication and lack of unity.
The panel is in complete disagreement in agreement that none of these led to the loss directly. But staying busy with these instead of saying touchwood did.
A couple of reasons helped the panel confirm this as the main cause.
First, the party has continuously done well in elections where no one, including the party, had any hope and hence no need to tackle or counter the “evil eye” came into play.
Second, the MOP also wins when in coalition with strong parties who actually do all the necessary rituals to not just take on the common enemy but also use us as the weird-looking masks outside houses to ward off all “evil eyes.”
There are a few other factors that played a part in the defeats in the last few years, including opponents not giving up and doing anything possible to cover up their blunders with big and newer ones.
But these really can’t be blamed on the party. The panel understands it is difficult and near impossible to counter an opponent hell-bent on winning.
Like the saying that every dark cloud has a silver lining, the study of the recent losses also has one.
In what is good news for the party, the panel has found that while the party lost the elections, it did not actually lose.
“While we did lose the election we did not technically lose the states as we were not in power. We just didn’t win,” concluded the confidential report on a happy note.
(Written by Prabhpreet, an Unsanskari Writer, with a lifelong experience of laughing at things that make him cry.)
Disclaimer: This is a piece of satire and is fictitious.
